2003-12-15 | 12:31 a.m.
as a matter of fact, the wheels have stopped

last week i started the new job at columbia and cowboy broke up with me.

i can't begin to describe the pain of this loss. somehow, since it wasn't a decision we made together but a decision he made on his own, it came as a shock. i'd begun to convince myself (because it's easy to tell yourself what you want to hear) that he'd begun to feel the same way about the situation as i did. but i acted stupidly and jealously and he decided (understandably) that he didn't want to deal with it anymore.

but it is just so hard. i love him desperately and have been trying to make things right between us all year, and ultimately i failed. he says there was nothing else i could do, or i would have done it. but if i had acted fundamentally differently this probably wouldn't have happened, at least not yet.

and if i'd only bought the stupid plane ticket instead of just reserving it, i would have at least been able to see him over the holidays. ever since i got to new york, i've spent a large amount of time thinking about how nice it would be if cowboy were here with me. and then i would get excited, because he was going to visit for new year's. i thought that i would be able to ring in the new year happily, unlike last year, which started off badly and continued to deal blows in my direction. i have a bad feeling about 2004, too.

i am just so incredibly sad. i know it will get better, etc., but i can't foresee that happening any time soon. i feel unwanted. he wants to see other people. i am easily replaceable.


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